The interview

There is always time and space. Time to find a place and a place to have a beer and a burger. It is my luck this place is decent, the music is slightly too loud, must be my age and they serve a decent Stiegl. I meet up with two sailors, lets call them Bert and Ernie. All this is happening, with the CBC article (at in the back of my pocket. The staff is very friendly, a lovely looking lady named Karen (I think) hands me my drink. I grab the beer and I take a table in the corner. The two sailors should arrive in 10 minutes, the more delayed they are, the more doubts they have and the more nervous they are. I concentrate on all the lessons that someone bestowed upon me and I wait. They end up being a mere 3 minutes over time, they are nervous, but not too nervous. This is good.

I greet them and offer them a beer, they are not hungry, but when have you ever met a sailor who turned down a free drink? I use the usual banter on location and weather, which in Canada in December tends to be always between frosty and fucking freezing. We start the talk, I place a shot in the dark, overplaying my hand, but in a safe way. “So, why did you take the sticks?” “Well, they were on the shelves for a long time, it took me 5 minutes to get the dust off and these are big sticks. So when my buddy got hold of a few movies with Shelley Lubben we all got excited and she is a minister now, can you believe it, a good looking woman like that telling us to love one another? Wow! I hope she is still single and not a catholic, you know that celibacy thing.”

So what happened to what was on the sticks?

“Oh., those manuals? No one reads them, they weren’t touched in months, and we got new books several times. We also have paper versions, they can use the copy machine and make a new digital file. It might even be one of us, which means half a day of light duty, it is awesome either way. And these sticks can support 128GB, that is close to 30 DVD’s with classy stars like Nikki Benz, Kianna Dior, Alexandra Quinn, Lara Roxx, and Shyla Stylez. So when we are in dock we can use the digital analyser to copy DVD’s directly onto these sticks, we will not feel alone for months. We had a large drive once, there was too much hassle, so we wiped the drive and put it under a large electromagnet and the one who had to clean the secure emergency radio room pushed it behind the shelves so that it looked natural and it would be found by someone there, these nerds are ant-fuckers for precision. 

And it is not good, we get lectures from the quartermaster that we are all under the eyes of cyber investigations, so we will have to spring for our own drive the next time we are in a harbour. It is sad, the porn was so good and in the CIC on Sunday night, when it is merely 3-4 of us, we can watch them on the big plasma screen. That Nikki was awesome, we were having a challenge who could balance a filled dinner tray the longest on our dicks, Patrick won that bastard, now he gets the stick for a week, but that is how we play, we share and the navy shares with us. I hope we can find a new stick soon, too many MP’s in the last two weeks alone. At some point they will get lucky and properly check a few places. 

I smile “Today is your lucky day! And I hand them 3 256GB sticks, the sailors almost drop their eyes, they happily and greedily take the sticks. I do not have the nerve to tell them to heck for backdoors, especially when I added one on each of these three. The new Friend of Foe system (IFF) on the Canadian vessels is something Raytheon would really like to have, BAE was brilliant and they outdid themselves with the 2020 edition, time to check whether these systems adhere to the old slogan ‘Copy me, I want to travel’ and travel it will, as will my bank account, lets face it I would like a nice Bambi-burger every now and then.

So all seahorses aside, I changed the names to protect the porn needy sailors and there is the off chance that someone in the Canadian Navy might not share my sense of self-dedication and entrepreneurial cash driven spirit.


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