Yup, I am going there. It is all me, or as the story goes MPI (Me Personification Individual) giving myself a fictive consideration is the next best thing. You see, as the setting of America goes on and on towards a drain that ens up in the sewer, I decided to let my conspiracy self roam free. In this setting I am due a nice retirement sum and as a bonus I get to see the people who merely promised me bad to become the corporate bitches which I always thought they would end up being. As such there is no reality in this story, it is merely the work of a B-level movie (unlike the awesome script I finished and the three that follow it, more delusion on your plate).
Anyway the story starts with me having a coffee at the Soul Origin in Burwood. I was just about to take another sip when I a man introduces to me as Dr. Mulla, Consul General for the United Arab Emirates. I was not aware that the UAE had a consulate in Sydney, but there you have it and he starts of with giving me a business card stating he is indeed the Consul General, but the address gives me Melbourne. I gave the man a courteous nod and say to him a “Allahu Akbar” and point at the chair on the other side of the small round table. He states something softly (I am in a mall, so I didn’t hear that latter part) and he makes his case. He asks if I am the person that worked in a statistics company during the 90’s and two thousands and I nod in agreement, I was indeed. As such he offered me a short term job which will give me 250 bitcoin, post taxation and my curiosity was piqued. It is a lot of money for any person to be given of nearly any kind in the west, perhaps an exception could be made for all who have over 50 million dollars and I am not one of these people, so I agree to do that. I did mention that my passport had expired. He mentioned that it would not be a problem. The need for ADNOC is high and I am one of the first they approached and if I am willing we would leave today. The job will be to inspect syntax and statistical files, aiding the people there in cleaning them up and making sense of them. Well, I have been paid a mere 1% in the past for doing a lot more, so I am massively agreeable in this. A chauffeur will collect me in 90 minutes if that was agreeable, it was. So I head home to get my stuff ready, including my extremely expired passport.
It was brought 87.254 minutes later when a black Mercedes is in front of my apartment and the chauffeur identifies himself with what I reckon is some embassy card and drives me to the jet airport. He drops me off where a female executive introduces herself as Aisha, personal secretary to the Emirati Consul. She also hands me a card. She stated that it held $2,000 for anything I might need at this time. The consul will be at the place in 45 minutes. She would escort me wherever I needed to go. I decided that the only thing worthy of my needs at this time was a DJI Osmo pocket 3 and a memory stick. If I am going to a place I never seen before, I might as well record it for prosperity. I was given a great deal for the DJI with ‘creator accessories’ and a 128GB card for $749. I am happy as nothing I have been for the better part of a decade. I ask if there is a lounge where I can have a coffee and a sandwich (my blood when there is too little caffeine in it tends to get jumpy). She takes me to the Qantas First class lounge. She waves her consular credentials and we are in. Two minutes later with a large coffee in a takeaway cup and two chicken wraps I am seated in a small glass room with Aisha and we both sit in amazing comfortable lounge seats while I sip a coffee. I take a moment to eat the first wrap and it was amazing. I look at Aisha and she tells me that the consul is around 30 minutes out. We will depart in about 15 minutes so that we are there at the same time. I nod in acceptance. I playfully look at my mobile B250 comes down to almost 41 million dollars. So where do I sign for my soul? This is more money that all my ancestors combined earned in a lifetime. As such I wonder what the snag is, but if there is one, this setting alone is making me beyond happy. I never imagined that I would even own a DJI and now I am almost playing with one. So, whatever bad news comes next. I am less concerned with the badf news that I am with this feeling of amazement.
It is about 17 minutes later when Aisha nods that we had to go. I end up leaving half a wrap, but the coffee was good, as was the wrap. I just didn’t feel like having to rush to the toilet until we are well underway. It takes 5 minutes to get to the plane. We were met with a Qantas golf cart to take us where we had to go and as the cart sped up and down ramps we get to the plane in record time. I never knew that these carts could go that fast. We stop right next to the boarding steps of a Learjet 85. It was an amazing looking jet, the inside was beyond what I had ever seen (I don’t fly too much) and as I was beckoned to my seat(s) I chose to hav e the seat facing the cockpit. I was never one for traveling backwards, not in a train and not taking my chances now.
A minute later Dr. Mulla joined us and its across from his secretary and speaks to me. We have an 11 hour flight ahead of us. Is it OK if I complete a few tasks? I nod in agreement. A little eager to see this plane in action and taking a selfie on my Google Pixel 9. There is not one picture in existence showing me in a Learjet, so that fable has now been put to rest. As the plane takes off, the pressure of me being pushed in my seat is close to heavenly.
As I look outside of the window, seeing Sydney fade into a small nothing and the plane turning left. I am offered Champagne, but I preferred a coffee with cream a sugar. We all have our little needs. I sip the coffee in a porcelain cup, not the plastic cups we are normally given on flights and I feel a little special. The coffee comes after I am given a hot towel which felt good, I feel a little cleaner. And before I know it almost an hour has passed. The consul addresses me. ADNOC has a challenge. It actually has two challenges. The job would take a maximum of a week. Do you have a preference of Hotel? I immediately consider the Warner Bothers hotel on Yas Island. I saw a YouTube video and it looked like a heavenly place (with food, coffee and all). And he nods at Aisha who starts typing on her laptop in a composed manner (and a lot faster than I can type). “So let me explain to some extent, they have two challenges. The first is a Dutch translator, they just lost their translator in an accident and the new one will not come until later next month. They will need to be able to look at some Dutch documents in the meantime. The second setting is a program called IBM Statistics. They have been trying to replace the team they had. The person in charge invited less than qualified people in the past and as he has now left, the entire department is a little up in the air. Can you cell data files?” I nodded in agreement. “Yes I can, I am not a statistician, but I can clean files, read and write syntax files and help creating and validating omni-books. I can also teach your teams to be more privy to IBM statistics files and help them into increasing their knowledge of IBM Statistics.” The consul had an immediate more brightened look and he stated “Splendid” with a big smile.
I considered asking a few questions regarding this, but I thought that he might not have the answers. Whatever answers there were, I would get them in Abu Dhabi. And after a nice meal which included a large cheese pizza (with added oregano) I partially dozed off. I felt a nod on my right shoulder. I looked confused. Did I sleep through part of the flight? I looked around and I was told that we would arrive in about 50 minutes. I was offered coffee which felt good to accept and I waled to the bag where the bathrooms were. And would you believe it, these bathrooms had showers and all. I didn’t take the shower as I thought that a long hot shower would make my day complete in the Warner Brothers hotel. We arrived at Zayed International Airport a little over 55 minutes later and as I got off the place, the hot air caressed my face. It was 33 degrees, a blissful heat with a minor breeze. Outside the plane was a car waiting, it was a black Bentley New Flying Spur. It was more than comfortable, it was amazing and I apart from a London taxi, I had never sat in a Bentley. I took a quick selfie as I walked towards the car. They would never believe me, not my friends, not anyone I reckon. And I would not even believe myself, the selfie was to remind myself I wasn’t making this up (as this is a story, I am, but that is for another time).
We got to the hotel in what I believe to be in under 30 minutes. It was merely me and Aisha, the consul had taken his leave at the plane. Aisha would take care of the rest. And as it was already 19:00, I was given the key to my room with complete all expenses paid access to the minibar and kitchens. I wasn’t hungry, a pizza and 1,5 wraps does that to me, the hotel room had a Nespresso machine and the mini bar had fruit juices. So I was happy. I was told that a car would come for me at 9:00 next morning. I rejoiced at the overlook bar at the top floor, where there was an amazing collection of drinks and I enjoyed my iced Canadian (I refuse to call it an Americano), 51st state? Screw that.
I had a lovely breakfast with two waffles, hot cherry sauce and whipped cream. Another delusional thought I had on Ghent and an abbey in 1102 (a much larger story for another time). I had this as a breakfast and whilst I was contemplating to eat more, I thought it might not be the best introduction to my temporary new employer. I was sitting in the ground floor lobby where I was sipping a nice large coffee (we all have weaknesses) and a man approached me and help up a sign with my name, I nodded and he indicated that I move to the side entree with a “this way please”, his voice could not be seen as anything but warm polite and courteous. I moved to the side where a nice black Mercedes was waiting for me. He opened the rear passenger door and pointed to the water in the back. I nodded and thanked him. It was half an hour later when we arrived by a skyscraper on Corniche road. A man was waiting for me and as we shook hands be gestured the direction is was requested to walk. Th skyscraper stood alone, so that wasn’t a leap of faith to make. I was shown the way to the 76th floor. I had only been this high once. It was in the Sears Tower in Chicago which was (I think) the 98th floor. As we went into a room there were three man all standing up and bowing to me, I bowed back and stated “Alahu Akbar”, I was greeted back and now I got what I was offered in return in Sydney.
I sat down and I was given the highlights of the deal, the translator setting was merely a side setting that might be required. They had the Dikke van Dale Dutch books, which is pretty much the Rolls Royce of Dutch dictionaries, or as I preferred to call them, the Fat Valley dictionaries, which was a loosely translated name. It was the IBM statistics they needed. And I would be shown a desk and the files would be shown to me. They were happy that I would be able to train the staff there was. As was given, the head honcho (El Jefe) in Arabic terms had kept all the work to himself, only letting the others do some of the ground work and as those people were elevated to much better positions, they went along with the setting. At my desk I saw that there were inconsistencies, not bad ones, no errors, but the syntaxes was written by someone not used to daily data process points. There was an EXECUTE after nearly every command, there was a setting that there were several aggregates when one could do and there was a setting where were at least 8 ADD FILES commands when 2 could have sufficed. This was a data noob, a person thinking he knew something, all whilst he was setting the stage to be ‘the specialist that is the coming of the whatever person he thought he was’ I went a little wild on the syntax. And at first I tested every part separate which took almost 3600 seconds. Then I ran it all and a mere 2500 seconds remained. This was as expected. I took the file renamed it with _EDIT at the end and re-ran the whole file, it came down to 1216 seconds. I reran the file and reduced the time by over 60% less time was required.
It was time to set the larger setting of damaged files and what was done was that the output file was given the EXACT same name as the data file. So he had the results, but the data would have to be reread from scratch. The messiest way to set the premise for people to not get ahead without him. And that was the setting I discovered in half a day.
Well, I want to go on and introduce a conspiracy setting where Brent Oil was slicing the dice of ADNOC (and in my delusion ARAMCO as well), but it is time to take a breather and enjoy the delusion of being $41,000,000 richer, or perhaps AU$20,000,000 and AED48,500,000 richer. You can’t enjoy money when you have no dreams for them and having a property on Sama Yas enjoying 4 (soon 5) theme parks in an age of retirement is a pretty good way to delusional dream.
And consider a theme park, absent of stupid people (people living between Canada and Mexico), isn’t that a dream worth pursuing? Consider that soon (2027) Disney will be here too and all on the island where you retire. Oh, and they have a Carrefour Hypermarket (UAE Supermarket, based on a French supermarket) and I reckon a few other places. I call that a win in every scenario imaginable. So have a great day. My Sunday today is delusional day and I have earned the sweet scent of delusion. And think of it, the setting might be delusional. But would you think that this stage is outside of American ‘tactics’? The entire American Administration is running itself into the ground (slowly but surely). So have a great day and enjoy the spiciness of whatever you face today.
Lawrence van Rijn - Law Lord to be 